Sunday, January 31, 2010

Get A Grip On Your "G!"

I believe it's one of those laws of inverse proportion that the more dependent I am on my computer, the more likely it is to crash or at least, run slower and slower. I'm sure I have read that very thing on one of those Murphy's Law page-a-day calendars.  Probably, the day I read it, I snorted then ripped off the page to the next one because I didn't have to get anything done on the computer that very minute. If you think about it, to say that the computer "runs slower" is an insulting oxymoron. Mine isn't even crawling, let alone running! I am sure this is because I'm under the gun on a couple of deadlines. And I know that the computer is taking it out on me, personally. It's extracting revenge on me for not paying attention to it unless I need something. I can hear it thinking, plotting, "I'll show you! You just watch me freeze! You've really pushed my buttons this time and you're going to be really sorry!" I talk to my computer like a psychotic mumbles and rants to hallucinations. "Come on, can do it. Open up, just for me, pleeeeeeeease!" I beg and cajole to no avail; it shuns me and cramps up. Infuriating error messages appear, indecipherable computer gibberish all meaning in the end "No soup for you!" Then, I did the unthinkable. I have a terrible confession to make: I smashed the key board. Yes, indeedy, I did. I slammed my hand down and tore across the keys like a frenzied Amadeus Mozart ripping up the ivory. I swore like a whore and bashed until the 'g' flew completely off into space. The appearance of the sudden hole in the middle of the keyboard, between the 'f' and the 'h' stopped me cold. "Oh, God, what have I done?" I felt as sick as I would have if I had slapped one of my children. If one of my children pulled a stunt like my keyboard smashing, I would have given them a hefty time out and a lecture. But all I could say to myself was "Get a grip on your 'G,' girl!" I found the poor little thing under a side table, cowering. There was more pleading to God from me as I worked it back onto the post it had sprung from. I promised I'd never do that again. Think of all the things I couldn't write about again without a 'g'! Good God! Eagles, and geese, and goats and egrets and re-grets would all be left to gnashing, anguish and grief galore. I won't let the computer get my goat anymore.  
Snow Geese, Brunswick, Maine April 14, 2009
Snowy Egret, Phippsburg, Maine September, 2009

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  1. Thank od you ot it working a ain!

    Your blog is SO hilarious! This one reminded me of the time Bob Newhart's secretary "broke her S" slaving away on her typewriter. Believe it or not, that seemed really risque to say on TV back then!

    Keep up the ood work, Robin, and take it easy on the equipment!

    od (a.k.a. Lord)

  2. Gee whiz, golly girl get a grip! Good that that gaping "g" gap was graciously returned to its glory.

    Poor little gawdelpus "g" key!


  3. Geez girl get a grip!!!
    Calm down relax a little!!!!
    Go buy yourself a new fuzzy warm bathrobe.
    Better yet buy a new computer. Then they both can gang up on you.


  4. Gulp and gosh, you guys are just awesome. Lord, gawdelpus, and the Rainman help me to have a little perspective on life!

  5. Laughter is the best medicine...thank you, Bathrobe Babe!

  6. Oh thank you, HG. I'm so glad to have made you laugh!

  7. Remind me to NEVER piss you off as it may hurt when you kick!

  8. Who? Little old me????

  9. I totally loved the computer piece. Oh, I just loved the totally out of control humanness of it. The image of you losing your G spot under a nearby table was priceless.
    You need to send your blog to Dave Barry whether he wants it or not because your writing is taking on that flavor.

  10. Very, very funny... until it happens to me!!! Then not so much!!!

    No " " in that post!

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